Still no baby #2

Today was an important day for our little family.  I went to the doctor to see why we still do not have another addition to the family.  At times the last year has been hard...hoping each month that we would be blessed with a pregnancy...and month after month being crushed with sadness.  The first few months I felt it was normal and I still felt positive and hopeful...but that gets harder as each month rolls around.  It is hard. I feel guilt inside at times because I know that we have been blessed with Azaleia...and I should just be happy that I have her...since so many can't have any...and we of course are happy...but that doesn't change the desire we have still to have more children in our family.  For those not blessed with their own biological children...I can't say I know how that feels...but my heart aches for that sadness of yours.  It is okay to be sad about not having more children or any children at all.  It is hard.

I am never sad to see other pregnancies or new babies being born by family, friends, and strangers.  I am genuinely happy for everyone blessed with such a miracle.  That has helped me.  I know how special it is to have a little one in your life...and hope that everyone who desires such a blessing...sees it realized.

I have read multiple articles online about infertility...even from church related sites...and it doesn't really help the emotional baggage.  I try to learn about the women of ancient times in the scriptures...and more than anything...their faith inspires me to trust in the Lord more.  I do not doubt that He has a plan for me and for our family.  I do not doubt that His plan will bring great happiness.  But it still hurts every month when that desire is not fulfilled.  I appreciated Pres. Uchtdorf's message about the forget me not flowers...especially the part about "Forget not to be happy now"...

"The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

I have tried to change my perspective on the life I like to plan out.  I am trying to open my heart and mind to accept some of life's setbacks...such as infertility.  To have an open heart and mind does not mean that hard things are easy to overcome...nor do I have to "stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of my heart"...it just means that even though some things are hard...I can still be fully and truly happy now. 

Hopefully over the next few weeks and months we will find some answers...and if not...I am at peace with our situation and efforts.  Despite my tender emotions...I am truly happy and plan on keeping it that way!